Long Bones

I’m not sure how to talk about this without offending someone but I’m a talking type person so I’ve got to get it out.

I think I’ve found a trigger to some (key key word that is, some) of my compulsions. But I will never be able to hash it out with this person. And it isn’t someone who I can walk away from.

I can’t afford many days like yesterday. It was a combination binging/picking day that left me sick and bleeding. Bleeding so much I need to wash my sheets today. This isn’t a small disorder I have. And because I track my cycles so carefully these days I know where the different waves of disordered acting fall biologically. And the usual triggers – or at least as far as I’ve managed to figure them out – weren’t present. It is very clear to me what happened.

But the other person involved will not talk about it. I don’t think that person ever will.

It leaves me with a dilemma I keep circling around in my head. This is part of adulthood – something I’ve tried to come to terms with but sometimes I still find a struggle. I really respect this person in a lot of ways and I would like to know him/her and why they do the things they do, and explain to them in a way they would understand how they affect me. I’m really disappointed that this is off the table, eternally.

I’m happy with my life. I can say that in all honesty with no dissembling, none of my usual inability to commit to a statement unless I know for 100% it’s true. (Just ask my boss about that one!) I am happy.

That is something I need to hold on to. That despite everything I have built a world for myself and I am happy in it.