Long Bones

2009 is closing here in a few hours. Later for me than for most of the rest of you, I imagine.

2009 reminds me of that nursery rhyme that starts “There was a little girl who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead,” because when the year was good it was very very good, but when it was bad it was horrid.

I lost 50 lbs in 2009. Actually, if you really think about it, I lost 60 lbs in 2009 because I gained back some of the weight I lost in 2008. Apparently I’m rhyming tonight. Go with it. That is huge. So so so huge. I am crazy ridiculously amazingly proud of myself. I have wanted to lose weight ever since I was eight or nine years old and realized that I was bigger than everyone else.

This was my first year in my house. I’m still a little stunned that I have a house. Of my own. That when I touch a wall it is my wall. I have the word “gullible” written on my ceiling in permanent marker and nobody cares because it is my house and I can do little things like that to make myself laugh. And running water? Still the best thing in the world. I think everyone should live in a cabin in Alaska at least once, just so that eventually you will not live in a cabin and you appreciate modern life so much more.

I have made some really incredible friends this year. I’ve been going to the Unitarian Universalist church here in Fairbanks for about a year and the people there are amazing. I met J there – a new friend but a true one – he’s smart, fun and funny and we can talk on the phone for hours. But most of all J inspires me to be a better person. I’ve made other friends too this year and I’ve become closer to my old friends like Flickerbrain, Ecker and Shondar. (I may have called Ecker something else at some point on here but from this moment forth, he’s Ecker).

I faced my phobia of falling head on at the Deltana fair with Ecker and C.Y. Somehow I decided it was a good idea to go on the egg roll ride. It wasn’t a good idea, it was horrible and terrifying and I swear the operator let it go longer because he could hear how freaked out I was by my screaming. But I did it. Booyah!!!

There were bad things. I hurt my back in January and my foot in June. There was a horrible horrible family fracturing fight. I almost lost my job. And then there was this crazy horrible period in time from November 10 to December 10 where the following happened:

Childhood friend’s baby died. (I consider the uncle of the baby my brother)
The guy I really liked rejected me. And I didn’t even want anything from him.
My boiler died.
My boiler died again.
My car died.
My work computer died. It had my last email from my father on it.
We lost the case I’d been working on for three years. Okay that didn’t technically happen until the Monday after the horrid time, but it counts since most of the trial happened before December 10.
My back went out. Again.
My lovely wonderful cat Percy died suddenly.

Horrible month. But it’s over, my usual good luck is back and I’m letting it go so I can look forward to 2010.

This is my year.

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-breaking-news-taco-bell-will-make-you-skinny/

Taco Bell….wow…

So it has been a month since I have posted here. One full page of the calendar gone. And what a month it was — you saw/read all the bitching and moaning that proceeded my mysterious dissapearance.  November 2009 will go down in infamy as one of the worst months of my life. Serious top three. It threw a lot of things off for me. The beginning of December sucked as well – really the bad month started November 10 and lasted through December 10. Holy heck. I completely hadn’t realized that all the bad that happened happened literally in one month.  But it is over, my crazy random wonderful luck is back. And I’ve made a really good friend, who stuck with me through all the amazingly bad crap that happened.

So the diet didn’t fare too well through all of this. But as I haven’t posted in a month, I don’t know if I’m up or down from where I left off here. I’ll do an official weigh in on Monday January 4, 2010 (wow).

Speaking of the New Year, I have been thinking a lot about resolutions lately. I have a laundry list of things that I want to do in 2010 and it feels to me like the universe has shifted and I will finally be able to accomplish them. Maybe it’s all that I accomplished in 2009, or maybe its the fact of a full moon at New Year’s (a blue moon at that!). But a “New Year’s Resolution” is such a loaded phrase. Something along the lines of 92% of New Year’s resolutions fail.

I can’t help it. I love the words: resolution, resolve, resolute. Resolute especially rings a bell with me.

I must be resolute in continuing this weight loss journey because the easy part is over. And frankly, the easy part was not particularly easy. 

I must be resolute in stopping with the freaking dermatillomania because I have already damaged so much of my skin beyond repair. I will be literally scarred for life. But I want to be confident enough to have a physical relationship with a man again,  and if I have kids (and one way or another I want to adopt children, the only real question for me is if I have biological kids) I am not going to pass this habit on to them.

I must be resolute in being kind to myself, honest and loving to the people I’m close to. 

I must be resolute in working two jobs and saving money so that I can do the things I love and live the life I dream of. 

And I must be resolute now that I have taken on the responsibilities at my church that I stick to them and continue writing my essays and hopefully soon give my services.  I have a strong spiritual voice, one that questions and I hope asks others to question. I think this is my path, so I must be resolute to walk it.