Long Bones

So there is this other thing: I have dermatillomania, aka chronic skin picking disorder. You’ve probably heard of the condition some people have where they can’t help but pull their own hair out, right? This is the same thing except that I pinch, scratch and pick at my skin. I can’t help it, I need it. I can’t adequately describe the force of the compulsion, I’ve tried…it is this pressure on my mind when I feel the desire, and a tension in the spot that I must pick at.

The longest I have ever gone without picking was 21 days. Three weeks. It was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life, eclipsed only by surviving the death of my father.

It comes and goes though. I probably pick everyday a bit, but sometimes there will be a day, or week, or irregular span of time when the need is acute, undeniable, and constant. Then I bleed.

Part of CSPD is the picking trance…I’m not exactly aware of the passage of time during a bout of CSPD. In fact I’m not exactly aware of much. This is a huge problem in the real world. I can’t exactly tell my boss that I didn’t finish a project because I couldn’t stop messing with my arms and suddenly it’s five. It takes an incredible push of will to pull my mind out of a picking trance – I can’t always do it – I have to first notice that I’m in one and then wrench my consciousness out of the hole. I manage sometimes, like today thank goodness, but not often enough.

The crappy thing (the? As if there was only one) is that there really isn’t any treatment or therapy for it. So I’m pretty much stuck. Let me amend that – they’ve had some success with OCD meds and cognative behavioral therapy but not much.

My mission, should I choose to accept it:

Tonight I am updating the blog roll.

I am becoming a bonafide empress of all meals squash. Or maybe squash is becoming the heralded ruler of all things meals? There is a brief window in the fall in which the grocery stores here in the banks suddenly up the squash ante by offering a multitude of varieties instead of just butternut, spaghetti and acorn squash. Every fall I revel in tiny tender delicatas, gnarled hubbards, multi-colored turbans and endless amber cups, butter cups, blue kuris and sweet meats. I am in squash heaven.

As I mentioned before, I eat really simple meals and my take on all this squash bounty is to cut a slab of whatever I’m eating at the moment, set it on a microwave safe plate with a little bit of water and zap it for five minute intervals until tender. Squash rocks like that.